Coping with Loss

We all face loss at some point and will continue to face losses periodically throughout our lives. Loss of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of a relationship, loss of physical or mental capacity. Loss is painful. Loss affects our emotional state and can change the way we perceive the world and view our life going forward. How can we cope with loss in a way that allows us to continue to go on, to function and even to thrive again?

We should mourn the loss, allowing ourselves to feel the emotional impact on us. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross first described 5 stages of grief that are common to human experience of loss. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Although they are described as stages, not everyone will pass through them in order or as separate phases. Denial is the attempt to ignore the obvious change that the loss brings. This occurs typically early in the process of grief, sometimes before the loss happens as we can anticipate it but hope that it will not occur nonetheless. When the loss does come, we may refrain from thinking about it for a time, trying hard to forget about it, and certainly avoiding dealing with the emotional pain it brings. Eventually, we will experience the pain and this commonly manifests as anger. Anger is another coping mechanism to mask pain. Allow yourself to feel angry if necessary, as it is part of the healing process. Bargaining refers to the process of trying to make deals to prevent the loss from occurring, such as promising to live in a more upright moral fashion. While living ethically, morally and giving up bad habits is good for us in general, it does not take away the loss we have or will experience. As we come to terms with the pain the loss brings, we will at some point feel despair and sadness. We may not feel like doing anything or have a sense that we cannot go on with our lives. Ultimately, we must come to some acceptance of the loss. We will recall the past, but move on in a new state of normalcy, different than before, but still with possibility of growth and joy.

Accepting the fact that things change is a big part of coping with loss. As much as we may love the way things are now, things will change and we must adjust and adapt to new circumstances. If we are fortunate we will get older. This brings a whole host of changes that involve loss of certain abilities. Healthy aging involves acknowledging this fact and adapting to the current situation. Maintaining an appreciation for the skills and abilities you retain is key, rather than focus with disappointment on what you can no longer do. Choosing attitude at every age matters. Finding ways to be creative and to keep growing and learning is a good way to cope with loss and change. Fostering relationships is another important way to overcome pain of loss. Connection with family and trusted friends can help you through any difficult situation. Spiritual practice is the most powerful means of coping with loss. Accepting the transient nature of life and the gift of our experience in this plane of existence can give us a perspective of wonder and appreciation.