Selflessness

Sometimes it seems trite, naive or pointless to be selfless in today’s world. With so much attention on self-serving behavior and action, selflessness is a value that is in need of renewed focus, attention and justification. It is not easy to be selfless. We all have selfish needs and desires. Most of us can never fully give up our own self interest and it is not reasonable to expect us to do so entirely. That wouldn’t be realistic. It is difficult to think about the needs of others when our own needs are not being met. It is natural to be selfish. We certainly start out that way when we are dependent on our caregivers to meet our needs, keep us safe, warm and nourished. If we are fortunate, we are loved. These needs are vital and if they are not met we will have trouble thriving and are at high risk of doing things that will cause us or others harm later in life. Getting our own needs met is a natural survival mechanism. When survival needs are met, as well as some basic material needs for clothing and shelter, we turn to our desires. We compare ourselves to others and see both status and material that goes along with status. Status comes in the form of esteem from other people and can take many forms, including power, wealth, fame, strength, physical dimension, grace and athletic skill, intelligence, artistry, beauty, influence, spiritual connection, and moral authority. We become attracted to this status and will follow along with leaders in the realms to which we are most suited or resonate with us most powerfully. We will seek some of the same esteem that the leaders possess and may strive to become leaders ourselves. We will try to develop our own skills and talents to raise our position and gain the love and approval of others. We may seek significance through membership or association with a group. Those that shun conventional means of gaining status will find a niche that appeals to them and gives them importance in a counter cultural realm among peers that reject some aspect of societal norms. This quest for status among other humans powerfully drives much of human behavior.

So, are we all really selfish at our core? Yes, to the extent that we need to have certain needs met before we can look beyond ourselves and concern ourselves with helping to meet the needs and wants of other people. The more we compare ourselves to other people and the more we seek to gain their approval through building up our status, the more selfish we can become. This pursuit of social status is troubling because it can never be fully satisfied. There are always higher levels of fame, fortune or power to seek. This is ultimately a winless game, endless and unsatisfying. There can never be enough if this is your only goal.

So should people just give up on the pursuit of wealth, fame, power and influence? What if you do not possess the talent, competitive advantage, or desire to rise through the ranks and reach the pinnacles of wealth, fame or power? Should you just give up and drown your sorrows in sex, drugs and alcohol? It is true that mind numbing activities are also temporarily pleasurable, but ultimately unsatisfying. These are two extremes of the hedonic treadmill and neither leads to sustained happiness. What about temporary happiness? Isn’t it good to experience joy and pleasure? Yes, if not accompanied by harm. And pursuit of fame, fortune and power can give you temporary pleasure, just as can drugs, alcohol, sex and food binges. Understanding the nature of happiness and the different aspects of it helps to understand the limited return of purely pleasurable pursuits. We all need and want to experience joy and pleasure as these are some of the best feelings life has to offer. Understand that they are transient and cannot last. This points out that there is a difference between temporary pleasure and long term happiness.

How do we know what it means to be truly happy? The topic has been contemplated for thousands of years by philosophers. It has been studied using the scientific method for decades. We know there is a difference between the moment to moment feelings you have in any given situation and the feeling you get when you reflect on your life and your overall situation, your accomplishments, contributions and relationships. Think of the suffering you may experience in the moment as you labor at a challenging task and the feeling of satisfaction you get when you look back at the end of any difficult pursuit. Depending on your expectations, you may or may not be satisfied with the result. In general, if you gave your best effort, you are more likely to appreciate the outcome, even if it fell short of your hopes and dreams. Better yet, if you are able to enjoy the process of the challenge itself, as well as the outcome, you will be appreciating life in full measure. True happiness is manifested as an appreciation and satisfaction with life as it unfolds. It does not mean you will be loving every minute or you will not struggle and have difficult times. Some of the most meaningful life lessons come from times of struggle, suffering and temporary failure. It turns out there are some important factors that go along with a sense of contentment and satisfaction with life. Selflessness is one of them. To be committed to helping other people, or other living creatures, is strongly predictive of contentment with life. To live with a sense of meaning and purpose, and to have meaningful work and relationships are the core features of living the good life. At the end of the day, wealth, power, influence and social status are highly desirable but they are not the formula for happiness if they are not accompanied by meaningful work, meaningful relationships and a sense of contribution to the wellbeing of others. It is those things, at any rung on the ladder of power and influence, that lead to true happiness and contentment. To achieve great things, we must all give up some of our selfishness and help each other to thrive, grow, produce and love.