Our biology drives an attraction and desire for sexual partnership with other people. Propagation of our species and continuation of our DNA line is deeply embedded into our brains and drives us to seek partnership, love, intimacy and sexual relationships. The biochemical reward systems in our brains for encouraging this behavior are extremely powerful and link with our emotional states, producing great euphoric feelings when we find a mate that shares our attraction. This is why partnership is so important to our emotional experience of life, our sense of happiness, joy, and even our physical wellbeing. In fact, positive sexual activity with a partner has beneficial effects on our health.
Of course, in the setting of abuse or excess this is not the case. Partner relationships form the foundation for an organized society. As with any human relationship, things get complicated by factors beyond this biologically driven coupling behavior. As initial passionate attraction wanes, relationships may mature or deteriorate. As powerful as the biological and emotional drivers of attraction can be, they may turn their attention elsewhere and this creates tremendous pressure on a relationship. If love is allowed to mature and a relationship is built on appreciation for your partner, mutual respect and consideration, kindness and fidelity, then the relationship will succeed and thrive despite the many challenges it will face. Alternatively, when partners fall into behaviors of mistreatment, mistrust, excessive control, disrespect, resentment or abuse then the emotional pain can be as great as the initial euphoria in the opposite extreme.
When romantic partnerships go wrong it can be one of the most painful emotional experiences in life. Attention to the care of the relationship is always required. Simple aspects of communication are often the start of problems, particularly with the type of language that is used during disagreements and problem solving sessions. Harmful language can expose an underlying lack of respect for the other person and the wounds inflicted are not easily erased. As these behaviors continue, even intermittently, slow damage is done that undermines the strength and closeness of a relationship. Some partners grow up in environments where disagreement and problems are addressed with harsh language. If neither partner is offended with this type of communication about problems, then perhaps it can work in some cases. In general however, respectful communication is much more likely to result in longer term relationship stability. Certainly, physical altercation is a much greater cause for alarm and portends a likely necessary end to any meaningful or respectful relationship and a call for education and emotional training for the offender. Sexual and emotional fidelity are also big issues that undermine romantic partnerships. There are many reasons for such behavior, including some with biological basis, yet cognitive and emotional drivers of behavior are influenced by the underlying strength of the relationship and sense of fulfillment and respect that is gained from it.
Understanding the emotional drivers of your relationships, particular needs, desires and expectations, will help you gain a better sense of emotional control and allow you to focus on the critical tasks of communication and understanding that are required for a successful partnership. Fostering a sense of freedom and autonomy between partners is a healthy relationship enhancing attitude. Support of a partner's individuality, allowing space to pursue their goals and aspirations, can help build closeness as each partner is able to thrive in the ways of their own choosing. There must be balance between individual and mutual goals and interests and a shared sense of fair give and take. Actions that encourage a partner to want to spend time together by choice are also good for the health of a relationship. These actions include attention and empathy, touching, humor and laughter, play, shared activities and interests, respect, honesty, generosity and consideration. Strive to maintain regular sexual activity together as well. Understanding your partner's needs and being flexible enough to accommodate them whenever possible, reconciling them with your own needs, will strengthen any relationship. Taking care of yourself and your own needs, physical, and emotional health is also important to maintaining mutual attraction and strengthening any loving and lasting relationship. Strive to control yourself, not your partner. As you both develop and improve, your partnership is more likely to grow and strengthen with time.